Thursday, November 1, 2007

just f-in do it

I'm posting all of my personal back posts on "Mommy Buddy" This was from Nov. 2007 when Meadow was 2 and Emerson was a baby:

I have been meaning to do a blog for some time and since my new motto is "just f-in do it" I thought I'd take my own advice (sorry my life is PG…no make that G). I'm trying to weed out the laziness in my life and start being organized and productive, like having an activity planned for the kids every day, and a nutritious meal three times a day, and wash all the dishes everyday (by hand, we have no dishwasher) and be able to take a shower more than every 2-4 days….I said I was trying. Well my house may not always be the tidiest and I may not always look like the raving beauty we all know I usually am (yah right!), but I must admit that I LOVE MY LIFE! I think that I have really found my niche, this 'mommy'-thing, I guess I'll keep the little ankle bitters.

Speaking of the nibblers I need to give some updates. Meadow is finally getting some hair (bout damn time!), and it is a riot of curls. I say riot because it gets very tangled and Meadow isn't much for me taming it, but when it's clean and combed it makes her look just like a little fairy. It's her disguise so no one will know how bossy she is getting! The other day I was lying on the couch before bed time reading a book when she comes up to me with this scowl on her face and says, "Hug now mommy!" So I put the book down and giver her the hug she demanded. As she is hugging me she looks over at the book and says "Sorry book!" Is that sass or what?! I don't know where she got that from but I have to remember not to encourage her by laughing (which is almost impossible =D).

Emerson is 7 months old now and just sooo big! At his last doctors appt he weighed in at 23 and ½ lbs! He has become a pro at sitting on his own and has started doing this cute 'booty bounce'. When I sit him down on his bottom he just starts bouncing on his butt to get from point A to point B, and his little rolls of fat jiggle the whole way! I'm embarrassed to admit that I tried it, just to see what it was like, but I guess my butt isn't padded enough for it to be affective (not that I wish for a fatter butt). Last Saturday he got his very first tooth and then on Wednesday he got his second! I just wish he would stop biting me while he is nursing! Once his tooth popped out he has just started doing everything! He is babbling up a storm saying 'blah, blah, blah, da, da, la, la,' and Jonathan and I both heard him say 'da-dee' yesterday but we're pretty certain it wasn't on purpose…sadly. He is also rolling and scooting all over the place! Crawling will be very soon….yay? I'm happy that he is growing but I'm just not ready for him to grow up, plus I'm not looking forward to re-babyproofing the house, and keeping it that way with a 2 year old underfoot. Pretty much impossible!

I also started watching a special needs little boy full time almost three months ago. His name is Ian and he is almost five, but him and Meadow are doing a lot of the same things. They either love each other or hate each other it just depends on the time of the day, but for the most part they get along great! Ian just moved here from Idaho and has made the transition to being at our house during the day much more smoothly than expected. He goes to pre-school in the afternoon for about four hours. So Meadow is learning about the school bus and that it comes to pick Ian up and drop him off. I think the concept of 'that he is at school' doesn't mean much to her yet, but she gets really excited to help him get on and off the bus. Meadow keeps trying to boss him around, and the other day she got mad at him and I caught her trying to spank him! She really does think she is in charge! Ian really fits into our little group well and I count his mom Rachel as my newest friend. She's a riot!…(only not the hair kind)

The biggest thing that has been going on with me (or at least the thing that I am the most excited about)is that I have been loosing a lot of weight for the last couple months and I can only thank Emerson! I weigh as much as I did when I was a freshman in High School and that was about 9 years ago! It's funny that anytime my Mom takes me shopping for clothes I inevitably change sizes right after that, and this time was not exception, sadly. So I am in much need of a good shopping trip, anyone game?!

That is all for now, but I hope to start doing a blog on a more regular basis, so I can have a record of these moments to look upon years from know when Meadow is a moody teenager instead of a moody toddler, so I'll know it wasn't just something that happened, she's always been that way!

Monday, August 27, 2007

WWTT- What would Tracy think?

I don't understand. I just don't get how some people's minds work. I wish I had some perspective but then again maybe I just wish that I could GIVE perspective. I say 'wish' because that is not likely to go over well. Life sometimes throws you situations that can not be 'fixed' or relationships that will never be what they ideally should be (or hell, even civil). I wish that I knew how to conduct myself, because the 'Tracy' that I was raised to be, wants to put things bluntly as she can and force some much needed 'perspective' down some throats. The 'Tracy' that I have been asked to be though, is not sure of what the consequences of said actions would be, and if they would create more problems than solve. Not that any 'Tracy' inside of me has the delusion that anything will EVER be 'solved'. (It's really fun to talk about yourself in the third person…kind of therapeutic )
I know that the expected response from me is what I am starting to refer to as 'expect and accept', but am I doing a disservice to myself by doing what is easy? In my experience rarely is the right choice also the easy choice…but then again is this really even my battle? When is it up to you to make a stand for what you feel is right, even if you know it will fall on deaf ears? But if it falls on deaf ears, is it worth saying? As you can tell my mind is full of questions that I am having trouble answering. I know that I have been purposefully vague which sadly is part of the problem, so please, bare with me. I don't think this 'expect and accept' technique is working, because these occurrences keep happening and I'm starting to feel like a welcome matt that has been FAR too welcoming.
Some times I wish I could be selfish and invoke fear in others. "You better watch out, or you might piss Tracy off!" 'Oh I don't know if you should do that. What will Tracy think?!' And then we could erect statues of me and temples, and have pray to Tracy time…..POP! HAHA There goes my fantasy bubble! It sounds boring anyway; I mean who wants to be feared? It would get kind of lonely, don't you think? Plus I would feel guilty for being selfish. I guess those aren't good qualities if you want to be queen of the world….

Saturday, August 11, 2007

intraspective brain leak

I just don't get it! How many times do you have to say something to someone before it sinks into their brain? For me it usually take two or three times, which could probably be better, but for others I still have not reached their magic sink-in number and that is with telling them over and over and over again for years. So many times that I'm not even sure I can give an educated guess.
I have always thought, and been told by others, that I have a pretty good grasp of communicating what I think and feel. Some have even said I have a talent for it, so why is it that I feel so rarely listened to? Or understood for that matter? Do I spend so much time talking that everyone has tuned me out? Or is my perception of my world so inaccurate? I give my opinion so often, yet who really wants it? I don't mean to sound self pitying but I really feel like I am the one that is put last. 'Oh Tracy is so understanding, she won't mind'
Why is it that when we need help we have to scream for it? I try to help others when I see that they need it, especially when I know that, like me, it is hard for them ask for help. I have this perfect memory of sitting on my kitchen floor all alone holding a week and a half old, crying Emerson and a crying Meadow and sobbing harder than both of them, feeling so lost and alone. I don't know why but anytime I think about asking for help, that perfect, crystal clear memory pops into my head. It would have been easier to have some help, but did I really need it? I got through it, so I guess not. So when do I know for sure whether I actually need help or not? How do I differentiate between a personal test of independence and strength, or a situation where I can't do it on my own?
Obviously this is a rant and not at all specific. I started out being upset about one thing and then changed gears completely. I feel like I often talk to people about their problems, even bring up problems I have with them, but seldom is it reversed. Not to say that I don't complain about my problems and pet peeves because I am rather good at that. I am not so naive and self absorbed as to think that that is because nobody has problems with me, so the real question is why don't they confront me? Am I scary? People have told me that it is scary to talk to me sometimes but nobody has really explained how. I just know that the person that I think I am, and the person that I am in reality, are not the same. I wish that I could see myself from a different set of shoes…and eyes. Maybe then I could see the scary, morally superior person that has been compared to a dragon on more than one occasion. My mother always said that I could breath fire when I was angry and my words could bite in hard, but am I still that person?
People are changing constantly, minute by minute, and every experience molds a little part of who you are. I just wish that people's perceptions of you changed as frequently. But the expression that 'first impressions last' is true. For example my Mother still thinks of me as that argumentative teenager who could sting you with an accurate, below-the belt retort in a heartbeat and be on the next one before you could even catch your breath. But I know that I am not that person anymore. I have learned at least some self-control and tact, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Personal change came with time and age, but I have found that that is the hardest change.
I know that this rant is all over the place and not at all organized (much like my thoughts) but I think that the underlying thread might be simply the struggle of self change. I know from experience that it is hard, I just wish that others peoples self-change didn't have to affect me so much. It's someone else's struggle but it feels like my own, yet I have no control over it. I feel stuck and powerless…
Sorry for the rant…said rant now over…
BTW- for anyone who didn't put two and two together...This was because of a fight I had with my lovely husband, and had nothing to do what-so-ever with people I barley speak to, let alone think about. If anyone felt like it applied to them, I guess that's just an ironic coincidence. Maybe they should take heart....

Friday, August 10, 2007

Double doctor duty

Meadow and Emerson had Doctors apt. this week and had shots.
At the same time.
Not fun.
Meadow was upset from the very beginning. She did not want anyone taking her temperature or measuring her or weighing her. As soon as we got into the exam room she started screaming bloody murder because I guess she didn't like being in the little room. She quieted down a little when the Doctor came in but started screaming again when she was getting examined. This was all BEFORE the shots. The only one who was unaffected by the screaming toddler was the
Emerson on the other hand laughed when the doctor examined him and only cried after the actual shots, which he got four of. Meadow was so upset after her one shot I had to sit with her in the car. Needless to say we had a very enlightening experience.

On the brighter side the doctor was impressed with Meadows vocabulary and the use of four to five word sentences, and her recognition of colors and numbers. We also found out that Emerson's weight is in the 75th-90th percentile! He weighed in at 18lbs 3.5oz and Meadow at 28lbs. Emerson is huge! BTW he was only 50th percentile for height which is right on the money for average, so think thick long torso and stubby little legs. We also got the okay to start on rice cereal and baby food for Emerson.
So that is just an update on the kiddos!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

ON the pot

Meadow has been using her potty chair like a big girl! She has been doing it all by herself, but she figured out how to take the tray out so she keeps wanting to come bring it to me and show me. I have to watch her like a hawk!
Funny thing though...she will only do it if she is COMPLETLY naked! So we have all these pretty panies that she wants nothing to do with...oh well =P

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

"No she's not contagious"

I found a baby SCORPION in Meadows bathwater AFTER she got out of the tub!!!
I guess its time to call the exterminator again...because we all remember the 'ant' incident.
If you don't know what I'm talking about here's the story:

Last September Meadow woke up in the morning late. I was enjoying it but it was weird because she never slept in. When she finally woke up, her eyes were swollen. The left eye was almost swollen shut so I took her into the light to check her eye and noticed that her face was COVERED in little red bumps.

Then I noticed there were ants all over her pajamas. I handed her to Merissa and ran to her crib and pulled back the covers. There were probably 50 ants in her bed just swarming!Not just any ants, but FIRE ANTS! It looked like an ant pile! They had attacked her in HER bed! by that time Rissa had gotten all her clothes off and we started counting bites. They were all over her little body but mostly on her eye lids and around her eyes and her mouth, nose and ears. I think we stopped counting somewhere between 150 and 200 bites. I kid you not! I don't need to exaggerate because the truth is bad enough!

The funny thing (like there is anything funny about this) is that she never once cried while she was sleeping. I don't know how she slept through that, but even after when she woke up she acted like nothing was wrong. Latter that day the ants started to INVADE our house. They were in Meadows room and the bathrooms then the kitchen and then they were in the carpet and the finally the couch. This all happened in one day in a matter of hours! We had not seen even one ant before this!

Sooo...needless to say I freak out when bugs are near my child because I get a flash back image of Meadow's swollen face trying to look at me through one eye!

(poor baby looked like she had chicken pox for almost two months before all the bites healed. It started to get annoying trying to explain to people that "No she's not contagious"

Thursday, July 12, 2007


My darling husband wrote this. If anyone ever wonders, THIS is why I love him so much:

Happiness is the feeling you get when you walk into your child's room when they are crying and the look up to you and raise their arms.

Happiness is crawling on your hands and knees pretending to be a dog along side a giggling toddler.

Happiness is countless hours of "peek-a-boo".

Happiness is hearing "Daddy's home!" everyday.

Happiness is a whole-hearted hug that seems too big for such little arms.

Happiness is falling asleep with those little arms wrapped around your neck.

Happiness is watching someone grow.

Happiness is love, love is happiness.

Happy birthday, Meadow!


2 years ago today my gorgeous little girl was born. She is the light of my life and is most of my world. I love her dearly and thank the universe that she picked me to be her mommy. I can't believe what a strong person she already is and can't wait to see the strong women I know she will grow up to be...Happy Birthday Meadow

Thursday, April 12, 2007


This is my birth story, but I wanted to remember this, and I've told it over and over and I don't want to forget, sooo......
As some of you know my daughter was four weeks early, so when my water broke with her I was very surprised, thinking I still had a month to go. So this time around with baby number two I started geting nervous at 34 weeks. Well my docter started checking me at 36 weeks to see if my cervix was dialated. Week after week I was one cm and 0% efaced with no change. My due date of March 30th came and went. Boy was I getting frustrated.
On monday April 2nd my doctor put me in the hospital to be induced. I went in at 4pm and they put in Cervidil, a drug to help ripen the cirvix, that is supose to sit on the cirvix for 12 hours. The next morning they took it out at about 5am and said I had finally dialated to 3cm and was already contracting on my own. The nurse put a glove on my IV and let me take a shower. At about 6:30am they started patosin at the lowest setting to get my contractions more regular. My nurses kept trying to give me pain medication even though I had my it clear I didn't even want to be offered.
My contractions were one on top of the other and I kept trying to find a more comfotable position. I say that like its possible to be comfotable when feeling contractions with no pain killers, but its not. At about 8:52am my doctor came in and checked me, and said that I was at 5cm, and went ahead and broke my water. She figured she had time to go upstairs for somthing and left. HA! boy was she wrong! I started to push, I couldn't help it. Atending me was a new nurse and a student nurse. They paged the doctor to come back and the nurse asked the student nurse what station the baby was at. She replied in a shaky voice "Crowning!".The Nurse told her to page the doctor again 911. She almost begged me to please wait for the doctor, but I couldn't. I was pushing for about four minutes. The docter missed the delivery again! From the time the docter checked me and I was at a five, to the time he was born was eleven minutes.
Emerson Earl Quigley was born on Tuesday April 3rd 2007, at 9:03am. He was 8lbs 7oz and 20in long ( and with no pain meds or tearing I've even impressed my self). Quite a bit bigger than my first who was 6lbs 10oz. He scored a ten on the apgar test and only had a little trama on his head and a bruise on his left cheek. We were able to go home when he was 24 hours old. We have now been home for a week and it has been tough. Emerson is not hard at all, but the lack of sleep and a demanding 21 month old have really done me in.
Meadow is so interested in the baby. She wants to help take care of him and gets mad when I let him cry. She looks at me and says "Mama, baby!", which I think translates into "Mama, don't you hear the baby crying? Pick him up and make him better!" I feel so blessed to have two healthy, beautiful children. They are my world. I also feel so lucky to have had such a quick birth, and suprised in myself that I had the strenght to do it drug free.