Monday, August 27, 2007

WWTT- What would Tracy think?

I don't understand. I just don't get how some people's minds work. I wish I had some perspective but then again maybe I just wish that I could GIVE perspective. I say 'wish' because that is not likely to go over well. Life sometimes throws you situations that can not be 'fixed' or relationships that will never be what they ideally should be (or hell, even civil). I wish that I knew how to conduct myself, because the 'Tracy' that I was raised to be, wants to put things bluntly as she can and force some much needed 'perspective' down some throats. The 'Tracy' that I have been asked to be though, is not sure of what the consequences of said actions would be, and if they would create more problems than solve. Not that any 'Tracy' inside of me has the delusion that anything will EVER be 'solved'. (It's really fun to talk about yourself in the third person…kind of therapeutic )
I know that the expected response from me is what I am starting to refer to as 'expect and accept', but am I doing a disservice to myself by doing what is easy? In my experience rarely is the right choice also the easy choice…but then again is this really even my battle? When is it up to you to make a stand for what you feel is right, even if you know it will fall on deaf ears? But if it falls on deaf ears, is it worth saying? As you can tell my mind is full of questions that I am having trouble answering. I know that I have been purposefully vague which sadly is part of the problem, so please, bare with me. I don't think this 'expect and accept' technique is working, because these occurrences keep happening and I'm starting to feel like a welcome matt that has been FAR too welcoming.
Some times I wish I could be selfish and invoke fear in others. "You better watch out, or you might piss Tracy off!" 'Oh I don't know if you should do that. What will Tracy think?!' And then we could erect statues of me and temples, and have pray to Tracy time…..POP! HAHA There goes my fantasy bubble! It sounds boring anyway; I mean who wants to be feared? It would get kind of lonely, don't you think? Plus I would feel guilty for being selfish. I guess those aren't good qualities if you want to be queen of the world….

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