Saturday, August 11, 2007

intraspective brain leak

I just don't get it! How many times do you have to say something to someone before it sinks into their brain? For me it usually take two or three times, which could probably be better, but for others I still have not reached their magic sink-in number and that is with telling them over and over and over again for years. So many times that I'm not even sure I can give an educated guess.
I have always thought, and been told by others, that I have a pretty good grasp of communicating what I think and feel. Some have even said I have a talent for it, so why is it that I feel so rarely listened to? Or understood for that matter? Do I spend so much time talking that everyone has tuned me out? Or is my perception of my world so inaccurate? I give my opinion so often, yet who really wants it? I don't mean to sound self pitying but I really feel like I am the one that is put last. 'Oh Tracy is so understanding, she won't mind'
Why is it that when we need help we have to scream for it? I try to help others when I see that they need it, especially when I know that, like me, it is hard for them ask for help. I have this perfect memory of sitting on my kitchen floor all alone holding a week and a half old, crying Emerson and a crying Meadow and sobbing harder than both of them, feeling so lost and alone. I don't know why but anytime I think about asking for help, that perfect, crystal clear memory pops into my head. It would have been easier to have some help, but did I really need it? I got through it, so I guess not. So when do I know for sure whether I actually need help or not? How do I differentiate between a personal test of independence and strength, or a situation where I can't do it on my own?
Obviously this is a rant and not at all specific. I started out being upset about one thing and then changed gears completely. I feel like I often talk to people about their problems, even bring up problems I have with them, but seldom is it reversed. Not to say that I don't complain about my problems and pet peeves because I am rather good at that. I am not so naive and self absorbed as to think that that is because nobody has problems with me, so the real question is why don't they confront me? Am I scary? People have told me that it is scary to talk to me sometimes but nobody has really explained how. I just know that the person that I think I am, and the person that I am in reality, are not the same. I wish that I could see myself from a different set of shoes…and eyes. Maybe then I could see the scary, morally superior person that has been compared to a dragon on more than one occasion. My mother always said that I could breath fire when I was angry and my words could bite in hard, but am I still that person?
People are changing constantly, minute by minute, and every experience molds a little part of who you are. I just wish that people's perceptions of you changed as frequently. But the expression that 'first impressions last' is true. For example my Mother still thinks of me as that argumentative teenager who could sting you with an accurate, below-the belt retort in a heartbeat and be on the next one before you could even catch your breath. But I know that I am not that person anymore. I have learned at least some self-control and tact, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Personal change came with time and age, but I have found that that is the hardest change.
I know that this rant is all over the place and not at all organized (much like my thoughts) but I think that the underlying thread might be simply the struggle of self change. I know from experience that it is hard, I just wish that others peoples self-change didn't have to affect me so much. It's someone else's struggle but it feels like my own, yet I have no control over it. I feel stuck and powerless…
Sorry for the rant…said rant now over…
BTW- for anyone who didn't put two and two together...This was because of a fight I had with my lovely husband, and had nothing to do what-so-ever with people I barley speak to, let alone think about. If anyone felt like it applied to them, I guess that's just an ironic coincidence. Maybe they should take heart....

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