Sept. 11th -"Mommy, what happened to the castle?"

Today is September eleventh, seven years after the fall of the World Trade Center. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that it has been that long; it feels way more recent. I remember that day, but more clearly I remember how I felt. I usually avoid the specials on TV every year because I know I'll cry and a small part of me will relive that day, but for some reason I had to watch one this year. It was all the raw footage taken by the people who were there, with no one commentating, just the radio recordings and news reporters and no commercials. 102 minutes. That's how long it was between the first plane hitting and the second tower finally falling. The entire time I watched I had tears in my eyes alternating between cold tears and fresh ones. There is something strange about having cold tears in your eyes, something that feels appropriate for remembering this day. Our whole world had changed in the blink of an eye and if that day had played out like any other day I don't think we would be in the America that we are today, be that good or bad.
 

As I watched, I remembered how that day had played out for me. I was a senior in high school and it was the first year that I was able to drive myself to school. Merissa(my younger sister) was a freshman that year and as we drove to school all I wanted to do was listen to some music, but every channel on the radio kept talking about some plane crashing into a building….I was 17, I think and I had no idea what the world trade center was; I just remember being annoyed that I couldn't find any music. Man I was naive and innocent…kind of like all of us. As I watched that footage tonight I realized, people were upset when the first tower was hit but nowhere as horrified as they were when the second plane came. It seems like no mater how much lead up we have, people still seem utterly shocked when disaster strikes. I didn't get upset that day until I finally listened and realized it wasn't an accident, but on purpose. Merissa and I went home early and watched the news all day.

The thing that still affects me the most is when I saw the people jumping out of the windows. I immediately was filled with horror and found myself wondering what I would do in their shoes. They were forced to be brave, because either choice, to stay and burn to death or to jump to death, they had to be brave. It's profoundly different to have death just happen to you, then to have to choose how you want to die; what you are brave enough to do…
 

As I watched, with tears in my eyes, my three year old daughter crawled into my lap and exclaimed,"Mommy what happened to the castle?! It's going to fall down? That's too naughty!" I didn't know what to say. I realized that I'm going to have to explain to her what happened and why. Why there is evil in the world. I guess I thought I still had some time to figure it out, but at three, she already knows the difference between good and bad. Good and naughty. I can't shield her from the naughty in this world, or spare her any pain in knowing what humans are capable of doing to other humans. Then she got mad at me for crying and told me to "Cheer up! It'll be okay." She cuddled with me for a while and then told me," I don't want to watch anymore. It's too naughty!" I guess I don't need to shield her, just protect her sense of love and giving. That incidences like this one are just tantrums in the infancy of humanity, that maybe some day we will grow up…

first signs of withdrawing

This was Emerson at 16 month showing the first signs of withdrawing. He stopped making eye contact and stopped responding to his name. He was later diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and sensory processing disorder. I posted this video in the hopes that seeing my son's symptoms and how mild seeming they were would help other families. It makes me absolutly hate that old adage "Boys will be boys" :/  He started getting services through Easter seals shortly after this and later received a diagnosis.

Stupid dishwasher

Archive January 29th 2008: Emerson was10 months old(...and that dishwasher neverworked right and I still don't have one)

Okay my Sunday started out nice enough, My parents came over to install a new dishwasher for us! YAY! Anyone who knows me knows I haven't had a working dishwasher in like, well ever! In-between taking out the old one and bringing in the new one my Mom looked at Emerson and said "What does he have in his mouth?"

She stuck her finger in felt something sharp and screw like in his mouth and tried to get it out with her finger but he thrashed away from her and started choking! He ended up swallowing it but when we tried to get it out he threw- up some and it was BLOOD- TINGED! (Yuck! SCARY!)

We jump in the car to go to the ER, and in our haste forgot the diaper bag (of course).All the while we are driving my mom is talking about how they might need to make an incision to get it out…really comforting Mom. So we speed to Methodist children's hospital thinking that would be the best place to take a baby...All I have to say is I hope we didn't catch the plague! The waiting room was so filthy there were stains on the chairs and walls up to my knee height. I was afraid the baby would catch something if we sat down. Then I happen to glance over and there is a puddle of DRIED throw-up on the floor! DRIED! I wonder how long it had been there because I didn't think that throw-up was one of those 'fast drying' liquids...(This isn't even the worst of it)

So we wait and we wait and we wait…They told me not to feed him until we made sure where the screw was, so I'm holding a very hungry, very tired baby who wants to eat and can smell milk just inches away. We hold him down for an x-ray and then we wait and wait. They couldn't find it so we do two more…nothing. My Mom mentions that she didn't SEE the screw just felt it so maybe it wasn't metal. After that they pretty much don't believe that he swallowed anything and act like we made it all up. Yah I like sitting in a dirty place holding my hungry tired baby while my breasts ache because I need to feed him. So we wait and wait and wait…Then they send us downstairs to radiology where they are going to give him something to drink while they do an x-ray...NOTHING! But as I'm walking out of radiology I stepped on something and as I glance down to see what it is, the radiology tech races to pick it up and throw it away. What was this thing that I stepped on you ask? A USED F***ING NEEDLE! Yes I kid you not! And I was wearing crocs which it could have easily stabbed me in my foot. After that we had to wait almost two hours before they even bothered to talk to us. When the DR finally comes to talk to us she says "Okay we just need to give him something to drink to make sure he doesn't throw up or anything." Well since I had by this time already feed him three times by now I thought this was pretty pointless.

So this is how I spent my lovely Sunday with my first ever trip to the ER