Mommy Buddy behind bars....

....not really but it sure felt that way!

Me and Vice Principal Mr.H are walking down the stairs to his office. I was totally blown away that I had remained as calm as I had, meaning I had not cursed and had not raised my voice to ANYTHING it was aching to do.

"What do I do? Withdraw my son?"

"You have that right but you have to leave after the campus police get here."

"If I'm banned then they are too."
He's silent.
I look at him and say, stone face, "You have made a huge mistake Mr. H. This is a collosal overreaction on your part...."

"I disagree."

He refused to talk to me again until we reached his office but the look he gave me....I don't think he had let it sink in. I had challenged him, and then called his bluff.

He made sure to inform me that I would  not be allowed on campus until/if the administration for the district decided to let me. He said that I was facing criminal trespassing charges. He handed me a tissue.

As we sat down he started to go over, a little, the reason I had come, the communication...or lack there of.
"You see the sheet you sent in is just not the right format. We need to have a conference with everyone involved so we can determine what will work best."

"Oh you mean the conference we(Meaning the principle, his boss and Emerson's teachers) are having a two? The one that I can no longer attend without further breaking the law?"

"Yeah you're going to have to call Ms.S(principle) and work that out."

"...You want ME to call her and tell her we can't meet? because you decided I needed to be banned?? You want me to ask her if we should MEET AT Starbucks or something??"

"...Or I could call her."

"Good idea...
      ...no. On second thought, my husband will be attending THAT meeting, ya know since I don't want to be arrested."

At this point the two nice officers came in.

"Ma'am you understand that you broke the law and are being charged with criminal trespassing?"

"I guess....but if I was really in trouble why didn't you call the real cops? Bexar county sheriff?"

"Ma'am we are the real cops. If Bexar county had been called they would have wanted to know where we were."

"Well you can charge me with whatever you want. I didn't do anything wrong."

"But you did ma'am. This man here is pretty much the law. If he tells us you would not comply with him then we do what he says. The law gives him that right."

"Do you know what Autism is."

"Yes"

I explained what happened

"...I did nothing wrong and I'd do it again."

"No ma'am you won't. You will be charged and arrested."

"Okay so this back and forth? We are arguing about my OPINION?? You're not going to change my mind. I did nothing wrong. Period.You can not arrest me for my opinion. Arrest me if you want but my opinion is not against the law."

We all fall silent for a few minutes...

"This is comical..." I say quietly, sort of to the chair next to me as I dry my drippy face.

"I disagree Mrs.____"

"Well, I guess I'm just more morose than you Mr. H"

A few more min pass...I turn my phone on silent and take a picture of the officers. I still can't believe this is REALLY happening....

Mr. H:
"Okay I have some things I have to take care of so you need to wait in the lobby."

"...okay..." I get up. I see one of Emerson's aids. She gives me a look like "What is going on??"

I walk into the hall with both cops behind me, "I'm being arrested!" I say loudly, the loudest I have spoken as of yet and probably the only time up until now that could be considered impulsive.

The "younger" gets in front of me, my nose to his chest.

"That is your SECOND warning. You won't get another."

"I'm sorry....where are my children? I thought I was banned?"

I go to the lobby and wait for the kids. From my text I know my husband jetted out of work and is on his way.

Now I have to sit and silently cry where people can see me. Great.

Emerson arrives. He doesn't like seeing me upset so I try to hold it together. We just need Meadow and then we can bolt.

The principal surprisingly arrives and calls me back to the conference room. I have Emerson in tow. The officers are in there and so is Mr. H. Mrs.S starts going over how I was wrong, but I am NOT banned from campus, just for the rest of the day, she can not stress that enough....about as much as Mr. H stressed that I was banned and being charged. This is bringing it all back, threatening my fragile calm.  It's a blur after this. A few minutes later my husband shows up. This is where I start to loose it.
The VP and the principal are both trying to convince me that I was wrong and that I was being confrontational.  They continue to talk over me, but I'm the one being confrontational?   I asked the principal if she were in my shoes,  would she have been able to just walk away?  She agreed that she probably would not have been able to. 

The next few minutes are  a bit of a blur with the two of them trying to get me to see their point.  A point I don't agree with.  After it became clear to them that their approach STILL wasn't working,
 the principal said something like
 "Well I tried." with a hint of irritation and superiority.
"Are you kidding me?! You tried? You TRIED?? ((I)) TRIIIED!!!! These fine officers back here are a very LARGE reminder of THAT!!"

Now the principal is telling me that I need to calm down.  I turn to the VP and talk directly to him.  I tell him that I need him to answer a question.  I asked him if my level or irritation and my behavior RIGHT NOW in the moment inside the conference room was the worst he had seen from me.  I was trying to prove a point that I had BEEN calm. All Mr. H. could do was stare, then say "I don't see how that's relevant right now."

I told them both  "I WAS leaving!  I was TRYING to leave, but you had me come back into this room, just to re-open a fresh wound?" 

Both the kids were ready and the conversation was CLEARLY not making any progress.
  I knew it was time to leave.  My husband and I grabbed our kids and left the school, trying so hard to keep my composure until I was in the van.As we walked outside I saw the police car and decided to take a pic of myself in front of it. I let my self cry with that symbol in the back ground so I will never forget how today felt.

I got in the van and called MY mama.

Warrior mom criminalized

Today I went to the school.

I signed in. The receptionist directed me to the BMC room. 223 on the second floor.
10 am
I slowly walked by the window of the door. The room was dark but I could see 2 students and the teacher Mrs.G. I heard them talking so I sat, to try and observe what was happening without interfering.

I hear Mrs.G asking questions about a movie they had just watched. Horton hears a who. She is asking comprehension questions to Emerson. He asks if he can have a snack. She says after he finishes the questions. The other boy gets up. She yells a little harshly at him and tells him that she is trying to help Emerson learn. He gets upset and says "You hate me!"
"No *other child's name* I love you. But I need you to sit down. Do you need to hug?" He cries for a little while. She keeps asking Emerson questions about the video but he isn't answering them so she asks him if he needs to watch it again. He says yes. He asks if he can have lunch.

I see another teacher walk down the hall toward me. He says he is the other BMC teacher, Mr.S. I tell him I'm trying not to disturb Emerson, just observe and I would love to talk to Mr.S about any interaction he's had with Emerson. He also walked me through the model of BMC. I was in info gathering mode. We talk and walk down stairs. Maybe 10-12 min pass. I go back upstairs. I listen for 5 or 6 more min. Mr. H the vice principle walks up.

Yes! I think, someone who wants to talk to me!

We chatted in the hall for a bit. The other child leaves? I duck to to the side so Emerson does not see me. I tell him I've heard Emerson ask for a drink or snack 4 to 5 in the past 50 min I've listening. I tell Mr.H that if he is hungry and thirsty he is more likely to have a melt down.



10:30
We started to walk down the stairs to go talk in his office. We started down the stairs, maybe 12-15 ft from the door. At this point Emerson was alone with Ms. G for at while, since the other boy left. Mr. H is talking to me.

I hear Emerson wail.

I rush back to the door and just listen for, I swear, EVER, but it may have just been a couple of min. I'm airing for her to back off, so he can recover. She keeps pushing. Mr. H told me to stay outside, while I heard Ms.G trying to continue to get him to do the reading lesson on the computer, even though he is completely inconsolable, sobbing. Major meltdown.

Mr.H," I know it's hard... - I don't think you should go in!-"

I ignore him and go in. Emerson is draped over the chair covering his ears and eyes. His head is buried in the crook of his arm, sobbing and wailing.
Ms.G "He doesn't want to do his work."
Me(I think, I was seeing a lot of red) "This is NOT okay. Absolutely not!"
I touch him and start talking to him. He doesn't even register it is me, he is that upset. He is breathing hard, heaving. He's having trouble talking, tears streaming down his face. I pull him in my lap and hug him while he wails and sobs for about 5 min. I wipe his tears away and ask if he wants a snack?
"Nooooooo......."
"Do you want some water?"
"Yeeees!"
"Okay are you ready to do your work now? Let's do our reading and then you can go to lunch?"
I looked at the clock. It was 10:40am
We tell him it is 20 min to lunch. Mr. H has been hovering near the door, in the hallway.

Emerson gets on the computer. He closes out the program more than once. I redirect him. I tell him to keep working and then he can go eat.

Mr. H asks me to go to the hall. Emerson gets upset because I'm leaving. I reassure him.
"I'm just going outside. I'm not leaving, I promise."

"Okay..." but he sits to do his reading.

I go to hall with the vice principle. He tells me,
"we have to go to my office now."

"I can't leave until I know he is okay."

I'm telling you now Mrs. Quigley, you have to leave and go to my office."

"I told Emerson I wouldn't leave. You want me to break my promise?"

"I'm sure he'll be fine. You have to come with me now though."

"I'm not leaving. Are you going to make me? You'll have to call the cops."

"Okay, I will." He gets on his radio and calls for campus police.

We stand in the hall way for a while longer. Mr.H tells me that I do not have the right to interfere with an ongoing lesson. He tells me that if I do not leave I will be banned from campus and face criminal trespassing charges. I told him I will not leave without my children.

My husband texts me:




Mr. H offered to get Emerson right then. I tell him I want him to eat and go to lunch. I know he is hungry. I'm trying my hardest to NOT disrupt his routine even after all of that. I only interfered when he was in massive distress. I understand meltdowns but pushing while they are in the throws of a HUGE breakdown??! That's just cruel. I will NEVER sit by and let that happen. The fact that was turned into a criminal act just.....ah.... I'm at a loss for words!!! I mean when did this turn into the twilight zone???!!


Emerson comes out because it's time for lunch. He's happy to see me but I know he is hungry,
"It's time for lunch but I will see you later okay? At 'goodbye time' we will get in the van with Meadow!"

"Okay! Bye momma I love you!"

" Alright Mr. H we can go to your office now"

To be continued...
http://mylittlemartian.blogspot.com/2013/03/mommy-buddy-behind-bars.html

A fluffy little letter to my sons school

Okay I wrote this letter after being ignored by so many people at Emerson's school and sent it to every email I could muster from my contact list. I sent it off without proof reading it so I apologize for any typos but it had already taken me 2 hours to write so i was just wiped. My mom said it was a little too tame lol


"Dear educating staff of my son,

I have a problem. A major problem.


My concern is on a quite a few different fronts, mainly the level of communication between myself and Emerson's teachers, as well as the communication between his educators to each other.

I require drastic improvement in the communication of Emerson's school experience on a daily basis. I have been calling, messaging and texting at least 4 people all week and have had less than satisfactory response (if any) and no where near the level of comprehensive information that I require to address things when he gets home. I can't talk to him if I don't know there is something to talk about.

Since his ARD a couple of weeks ago Emerson's behavior has degraded dramatically though I feel the full extent of his aggressions toward teachers and fellow students has been largely ignored (for months if not a full year) until this recent culmination of multiple severe incidences.(since Friday that I know of) since the ARD he has been going to BMC for part of the day which is the most dramatic change in his school schedule since 2010.



I require to be notified EVERYTIME he harms someone. He is having these behaviors at school for quite some time, apparently,(i have not been being notified) but not anywhere near that level when he's at home. That is until Monday.

He attacked Meadow that evening. She had the iPad after he had it taken away for chewing on the stylus and breaking it. He came at her hitting hard open handed with both hands on her head and face. We stood and talked about how she was sad and she was hurt. We talked about how what he had done was mean. He then asked if he could tell her he was sorry. He apologized unprompted and gave her a hug. This is the first time he has hit like that. Usually he will just hit once with an open hand and run away, always provoked by a toy being taken or someone singing. This was an attack and seemed very impulsive, something he usually doesn't have a problem with at home.

Our normal discipline technique at home is time out on the couch until he apologizes and can be nice and happy. He also looses privileges with tv, the iPad, and toys and can earn them back by being nice or by sharing unprompted.

If it is a meltdown opposed to a behavioral issue, he can go "to bed" until he calms down. He frequently requests that form of self regulating.

His aggression is getting pretty extreme as already stated. On friday he attacked a student and bit him on the scalp. He has fixated on this child for over a year, i just was unaware of how often( and frankly still do not know the full extent) i was informed on friday and when he came home I put him in time out to talk about what he had done. He wanted to appoligize to Evan and asked "You want to go to school to say sorry to Evan?" I told him we couldn't because Evan was at home and it was the weekend. I told him he could write a letter apologizing. He did. It took quite some time(over an hour) but he accomplished it.

It may seem like "too much work" or that I'm not fully aware of what im asking, but my fine educators, hard work is the very boy you see. He was evaluated at age 2 as severely Autistic and non verbal, on the low end of the spectrum. He made little to no eye contact and was uninterested in anything other than the credits at the end of a movie or the ceiling fan. Every emotion, every eye contact, every inflection in his voice was taught to him because what we are dealing with RIGHT HERE is the basis of his disability.


He HAS to be the biggest participant in his behavior plan or it simply won't work. The quality of his whole future depends on him learning the price of aggression and violence now, when he is an innocent 55lbs, 5 year old boy as opposed to a hormonal teenage man bigger than everyone around him.


I created a communication form that I have sent to everyone involved. It is a bit simplistic but I feel it's the basis of the behavior system I want implemented. I will continue to work on perfecting it and changing it as he changes. I feel that Emerson's aggression has been merely managed for quite sometime and steps need to be made to teach him that that behavior is not okay.

This form is to be filled out by Emerson but since he does not have this skills to do that himself ( a long term goal to be sure) I require the person in charge of him at the time, help him fill it out. Ask him what to say, ask him what happened( I also want sequence of events to be a major theme in lesson plans to help support the concept of accountability of his actions) if he can write some thing thats great. Ask him"what do you want to tell Mommy about hurting *insert name*?" Even hand over hand would be fine as we start but, his level of emotion withstanding, the very least is having him read what you write. Write it in a format for HIM. Example: "Emerson grabbed Evan by the neck a bit him. Evan was very sad. Evan felt hurt." If you can not use a child's name write "a friend." Play up the emotions involved and put the event in terms he can understand. Simple sentences with descriptive emotion. Believe me, he understands or more importantly is capable of the understanding I'm expecting of him. Adding the good points of the day should involve him as well, to help teach him self pride.

My goal is to have him read it to me when he gets home so we can discuss it. That way he will remember the event, and writing about it and we will have created a strong basis for him reviewing past actions and understanding they always have consequences, wether they are good or bad is up to him.

Writing out his own goals for the day may be useful as well.

As with every single skill we have worked on it will take time and dedication. Starting Just after he turned 2 We worked on simply saying the word "go" ....for 10 months. We lived ate and breathed "Go". That turned into an exercise in eye contact and closing multiple circles of communication. Early turn taking and even the very start of his love for numbers. It was "ready set "go" and the 123 go. It even lead to reading. Stop and go. Recognizing a stop sign while riding in the car and then spelling it out with magnetic letters on the fridge to his bewildered grandmother at the age of 3.

Believe me, this boy is capable. This is just the next hurtle. Now how invested will each of you be?

I have felt utterly ignored and brushed aside all week. Do you really think ANYTHING will change with him without my full time dedication. I need to be the FIRST person you call. Period.

I feel like his disability is being mismanaged and the last thing he needs is baby sitters. To be swept away to a secluded room on the second floor. His behaviors are forefront here but the price of these events can NOT be his chance at typical peer socialization. Not addressing them and resolving them will make it impossible for him to get the education he is entitled to by law. Neglecting to address it now will sabotage his whole future.

I look forward to a conference with everyone involved as soon as possible. I am available every Friday and will be there this Friday regardless of who is available.

Thank you
My name
And number

Spectrum Force

Babies? Autism Awareness? Star Wars? EPIC WIN.
Young Master Finnigin and Mini Dark Lord Ozius look amazing on the moon ;D

Puzzle people

Educate.
Advocate.
Participate.

Tasty!

Autism
Taste the rainbow....
And the cat, and the wall, and the bath tub, and your sleeve, and....

Hugging strangers in public...it's not what you think

How do we as parents of Autistic children connect with other parents like us? Primarily Facebook has been my vehicle of socialization, and not that I don't love each and every one of those connections, meeting in person is something I crave. I really don't have that many Autism Mom friends that I could just call up and meet for coffee. Now that I think about it, not any. (at least not without some MAJOR planning, and lets face it I'm SUPER lazy when it comes to working hard for myself. Other people? Sure! I'll work myself into an early grave but something for me?....eh..)

Lead in accomplished, I was driving to the grocery store on Friday evening, BY MYSELF. My sister came and stayed with my kids so I could fill my Yaris to the brim with the seat down instead of the micro trunk it usually has when you cram 3 small humans back there. Plus getting out without kids? That never happens!!

As I was driving, listening to my much denied NPR, I sort of glazed over the car ahead of me. I live, eat and breathe Autism Awareness so imagine my surprise when I realized I was looking right at a puzzle ribbon on the back of the SUV in front of me. I had this overwhelming desire to wave my hands at them, and honk. Roll down the window and shout "Look I have one too!," like a crazy person. Or even more lunatic, follow them. Yeah my heart sort of sank when the flipped on their turn signal....OKAY before you judge me, I assure you the feeling was fleeting. Also look me in the face and tell me that you haven't seen a fellow Autism Awareness magnet in a parking lot or on the highway and felt the same thing.

It's encounters like that that make me look at every stranger I pass, scrutinizing every screaming child I see in a basket at the store. Listening to screaming that sounds just like my little guy in the middle of a meltdown, and wondering.

Well today we decided we all needed a treat. We don't go out to eat as a family often, but when we do its pretty much CiCi's or Cracker Barrel(unless you count the random fast food or Uhg Chuck E Cheese) we decided to treat ourselves to Crackle Barrel tonight. When our super nice server came to get our drink order, we hurried and ordered Emerson's Chicken strips and fries, probably throwing her off but the key to a successful dinner is minimized waiting time for the little man. I have to say I think this was our best family dinner outing ever. All the kids were awesome!

At the end I decided to stop our server. Something made me tell her that Emerson is Autistic. Now I'm on the fence about telling strangers he is Autistic, especially when say he has had a good outing and the average person would have no idea. Not because I don't want them to know (let's face it, I seriously want the world to think of HIM when they think of Autism) but because I don't want to tell everyone his business. He is only 5 and still has speech issues as well as comprehension of social interaction but someday he will be self aware enough to understand what I say to people. I want him to be proud of his Autism, but its not my place to "out" him. I'm aware of this even now, though it seems like light years away. Anyways I told her.
I went on to say:
"You really wouldn't know because of how good he has been this visit. I just wanted to thank you for being patient with us and doing such a great job."

She sort of looked at me for a second and said:

"My daughter is Autistic."

OMG

Whatever your faith may be, or not at all, that my friends was a Devine moment!! After that I hugged her. I mean what are the odds?(shut up, of course I know the odds but it still blew me away!) Her daughter and Emerson are only 11 months apart. I was not pushy in my hug. It was very natural. Not the hug of strangers, but of allies. Kin. (I may be kind of theatric..but...whatev. Go with it)

We wrangled the kids into the car, and I sent the husband back in with an envelope. In it, a nice tip, a $5 Starbucks gift card and a little note just for her. Hillary, server at Cracker Barrel that I met for the first time tonight, wether you knew it or not, you have a built in family of people like me! Maybe I WILL get that coffee pal after all....