Sept. 11th -"Mommy, what happened to the castle?"

Today is September eleventh, seven years after the fall of the World Trade Center. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that it has been that long; it feels way more recent. I remember that day, but more clearly I remember how I felt. I usually avoid the specials on TV every year because I know I'll cry and a small part of me will relive that day, but for some reason I had to watch one this year. It was all the raw footage taken by the people who were there, with no one commentating, just the radio recordings and news reporters and no commercials. 102 minutes. That's how long it was between the first plane hitting and the second tower finally falling. The entire time I watched I had tears in my eyes alternating between cold tears and fresh ones. There is something strange about having cold tears in your eyes, something that feels appropriate for remembering this day. Our whole world had changed in the blink of an eye and if that day had played out like any other day I don't think we would be in the America that we are today, be that good or bad.
 

As I watched, I remembered how that day had played out for me. I was a senior in high school and it was the first year that I was able to drive myself to school. Merissa(my younger sister) was a freshman that year and as we drove to school all I wanted to do was listen to some music, but every channel on the radio kept talking about some plane crashing into a building….I was 17, I think and I had no idea what the world trade center was; I just remember being annoyed that I couldn't find any music. Man I was naive and innocent…kind of like all of us. As I watched that footage tonight I realized, people were upset when the first tower was hit but nowhere as horrified as they were when the second plane came. It seems like no mater how much lead up we have, people still seem utterly shocked when disaster strikes. I didn't get upset that day until I finally listened and realized it wasn't an accident, but on purpose. Merissa and I went home early and watched the news all day.

The thing that still affects me the most is when I saw the people jumping out of the windows. I immediately was filled with horror and found myself wondering what I would do in their shoes. They were forced to be brave, because either choice, to stay and burn to death or to jump to death, they had to be brave. It's profoundly different to have death just happen to you, then to have to choose how you want to die; what you are brave enough to do…
 

As I watched, with tears in my eyes, my three year old daughter crawled into my lap and exclaimed,"Mommy what happened to the castle?! It's going to fall down? That's too naughty!" I didn't know what to say. I realized that I'm going to have to explain to her what happened and why. Why there is evil in the world. I guess I thought I still had some time to figure it out, but at three, she already knows the difference between good and bad. Good and naughty. I can't shield her from the naughty in this world, or spare her any pain in knowing what humans are capable of doing to other humans. Then she got mad at me for crying and told me to "Cheer up! It'll be okay." She cuddled with me for a while and then told me," I don't want to watch anymore. It's too naughty!" I guess I don't need to shield her, just protect her sense of love and giving. That incidences like this one are just tantrums in the infancy of humanity, that maybe some day we will grow up…

first signs of withdrawing

This was Emerson at 16 month showing the first signs of withdrawing. He stopped making eye contact and stopped responding to his name. He was later diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and sensory processing disorder. I posted this video in the hopes that seeing my son's symptoms and how mild seeming they were would help other families. It makes me absolutly hate that old adage "Boys will be boys" :/  He started getting services through Easter seals shortly after this and later received a diagnosis.

Stupid dishwasher

Archive January 29th 2008: Emerson was10 months old(...and that dishwasher neverworked right and I still don't have one)

Okay my Sunday started out nice enough, My parents came over to install a new dishwasher for us! YAY! Anyone who knows me knows I haven't had a working dishwasher in like, well ever! In-between taking out the old one and bringing in the new one my Mom looked at Emerson and said "What does he have in his mouth?"

She stuck her finger in felt something sharp and screw like in his mouth and tried to get it out with her finger but he thrashed away from her and started choking! He ended up swallowing it but when we tried to get it out he threw- up some and it was BLOOD- TINGED! (Yuck! SCARY!)

We jump in the car to go to the ER, and in our haste forgot the diaper bag (of course).All the while we are driving my mom is talking about how they might need to make an incision to get it out…really comforting Mom. So we speed to Methodist children's hospital thinking that would be the best place to take a baby...All I have to say is I hope we didn't catch the plague! The waiting room was so filthy there were stains on the chairs and walls up to my knee height. I was afraid the baby would catch something if we sat down. Then I happen to glance over and there is a puddle of DRIED throw-up on the floor! DRIED! I wonder how long it had been there because I didn't think that throw-up was one of those 'fast drying' liquids...(This isn't even the worst of it)

So we wait and we wait and we wait…They told me not to feed him until we made sure where the screw was, so I'm holding a very hungry, very tired baby who wants to eat and can smell milk just inches away. We hold him down for an x-ray and then we wait and wait. They couldn't find it so we do two more…nothing. My Mom mentions that she didn't SEE the screw just felt it so maybe it wasn't metal. After that they pretty much don't believe that he swallowed anything and act like we made it all up. Yah I like sitting in a dirty place holding my hungry tired baby while my breasts ache because I need to feed him. So we wait and wait and wait…Then they send us downstairs to radiology where they are going to give him something to drink while they do an x-ray...NOTHING! But as I'm walking out of radiology I stepped on something and as I glance down to see what it is, the radiology tech races to pick it up and throw it away. What was this thing that I stepped on you ask? A USED F***ING NEEDLE! Yes I kid you not! And I was wearing crocs which it could have easily stabbed me in my foot. After that we had to wait almost two hours before they even bothered to talk to us. When the DR finally comes to talk to us she says "Okay we just need to give him something to drink to make sure he doesn't throw up or anything." Well since I had by this time already feed him three times by now I thought this was pretty pointless.

So this is how I spent my lovely Sunday with my first ever trip to the ER

just f-in do it

I'm posting all of my personal back posts on "Mommy Buddy" This was from Nov. 2007 when Meadow was 2 and Emerson was a baby:

I have been meaning to do a blog for some time and since my new motto is "just f-in do it" I thought I'd take my own advice (sorry my life is PG…no make that G). I'm trying to weed out the laziness in my life and start being organized and productive, like having an activity planned for the kids every day, and a nutritious meal three times a day, and wash all the dishes everyday (by hand, we have no dishwasher) and be able to take a shower more than every 2-4 days….I said I was trying. Well my house may not always be the tidiest and I may not always look like the raving beauty we all know I usually am (yah right!), but I must admit that I LOVE MY LIFE! I think that I have really found my niche, this 'mommy'-thing, I guess I'll keep the little ankle bitters.

Speaking of the nibblers I need to give some updates. Meadow is finally getting some hair (bout damn time!), and it is a riot of curls. I say riot because it gets very tangled and Meadow isn't much for me taming it, but when it's clean and combed it makes her look just like a little fairy. It's her disguise so no one will know how bossy she is getting! The other day I was lying on the couch before bed time reading a book when she comes up to me with this scowl on her face and says, "Hug now mommy!" So I put the book down and giver her the hug she demanded. As she is hugging me she looks over at the book and says "Sorry book!" Is that sass or what?! I don't know where she got that from but I have to remember not to encourage her by laughing (which is almost impossible =D).

Emerson is 7 months old now and just sooo big! At his last doctors appt he weighed in at 23 and ½ lbs! He has become a pro at sitting on his own and has started doing this cute 'booty bounce'. When I sit him down on his bottom he just starts bouncing on his butt to get from point A to point B, and his little rolls of fat jiggle the whole way! I'm embarrassed to admit that I tried it, just to see what it was like, but I guess my butt isn't padded enough for it to be affective (not that I wish for a fatter butt). Last Saturday he got his very first tooth and then on Wednesday he got his second! I just wish he would stop biting me while he is nursing! Once his tooth popped out he has just started doing everything! He is babbling up a storm saying 'blah, blah, blah, da, da, la, la,' and Jonathan and I both heard him say 'da-dee' yesterday but we're pretty certain it wasn't on purpose…sadly. He is also rolling and scooting all over the place! Crawling will be very soon….yay? I'm happy that he is growing but I'm just not ready for him to grow up, plus I'm not looking forward to re-babyproofing the house, and keeping it that way with a 2 year old underfoot. Pretty much impossible!

I also started watching a special needs little boy full time almost three months ago. His name is Ian and he is almost five, but him and Meadow are doing a lot of the same things. They either love each other or hate each other it just depends on the time of the day, but for the most part they get along great! Ian just moved here from Idaho and has made the transition to being at our house during the day much more smoothly than expected. He goes to pre-school in the afternoon for about four hours. So Meadow is learning about the school bus and that it comes to pick Ian up and drop him off. I think the concept of 'that he is at school' doesn't mean much to her yet, but she gets really excited to help him get on and off the bus. Meadow keeps trying to boss him around, and the other day she got mad at him and I caught her trying to spank him! She really does think she is in charge! Ian really fits into our little group well and I count his mom Rachel as my newest friend. She's a riot!…(only not the hair kind)

The biggest thing that has been going on with me (or at least the thing that I am the most excited about)is that I have been loosing a lot of weight for the last couple months and I can only thank Emerson! I weigh as much as I did when I was a freshman in High School and that was about 9 years ago! It's funny that anytime my Mom takes me shopping for clothes I inevitably change sizes right after that, and this time was not exception, sadly. So I am in much need of a good shopping trip, anyone game?!

That is all for now, but I hope to start doing a blog on a more regular basis, so I can have a record of these moments to look upon years from know when Meadow is a moody teenager instead of a moody toddler, so I'll know it wasn't just something that happened, she's always been that way!

WWTT- What would Tracy think?

I don't understand. I just don't get how some people's minds work. I wish I had some perspective but then again maybe I just wish that I could GIVE perspective. I say 'wish' because that is not likely to go over well. Life sometimes throws you situations that can not be 'fixed' or relationships that will never be what they ideally should be (or hell, even civil). I wish that I knew how to conduct myself, because the 'Tracy' that I was raised to be, wants to put things bluntly as she can and force some much needed 'perspective' down some throats. The 'Tracy' that I have been asked to be though, is not sure of what the consequences of said actions would be, and if they would create more problems than solve. Not that any 'Tracy' inside of me has the delusion that anything will EVER be 'solved'. (It's really fun to talk about yourself in the third person…kind of therapeutic )

I know that the expected response from me is what I am starting to refer to as 'expect and accept', but am I doing a disservice to myself by doing what is easy? In my experience rarely is the right choice also the easy choice…but then again is this really even my battle? When is it up to you to make a stand for what you feel is right, even if you know it will fall on deaf ears? But if it falls on deaf ears, is it worth saying? As you can tell my mind is full of questions that I am having trouble answering. I know that I have been purposefully vague which sadly is part of the problem, so please, bare with me. I don't think this 'expect and accept' technique is working, because these occurrences keep happening and I'm starting to feel like a welcome matt that has been FAR too welcoming.

Some times I wish I could be selfish and invoke fear in others. "You better watch out, or you might piss Tracy off!" 'Oh I don't know if you should do that. What will Tracy think?!' And then we could erect statues of me and temples, and have pray to Tracy time…..POP! HAHA There goes my fantasy bubble! It sounds boring anyway; I mean who wants to be feared? It would get kind of lonely, don't you think? Plus I would feel guilty for being selfish. I guess those aren't good qualities if you want to be queen of the world….

intraspective brain leak

I just don't get it! How many times do you have to say something to someone before it sinks into their brain? For me it usually take two or three times, which could probably be better, but for others I still have not reached their magic sink-in number and that is with telling them over and over and over again for years. So many times that I'm not even sure I can give an educated guess.
I have always thought, and been told by others, that I have a pretty good grasp of communicating what I think and feel. Some have even said I have a talent for it, so why is it that I feel so rarely listened to? Or understood for that matter? Do I spend so much time talking that everyone has tuned me out? Or is my perception of my world so inaccurate? I give my opinion so often, yet who really wants it? I don't mean to sound self pitying but I really feel like I am the one that is put last. 'Oh Tracy is so understanding, she won't mind'

Why is it that when we need help we have to scream for it? I try to help others when I see that they need it, especially when I know that, like me, it is hard for them ask for help. I have this perfect memory of sitting on my kitchen floor all alone holding a week and a half old, crying Emerson and a crying Meadow and sobbing harder than both of them, feeling so lost and alone. I don't know why but anytime I think about asking for help, that perfect, crystal clear memory pops into my head. It would have been easier to have some help, but did I really need it? I got through it, so I guess not. So when do I know for sure whether I actually need help or not? How do I differentiate between a personal test of independence and strength, or a situation where I can't do it on my own?

Obviously this is a rant and not at all specific. I started out being upset about one thing and then changed gears completely. I feel like I often talk to people about their problems, even bring up problems I have with them, but seldom is it reversed. Not to say that I don't complain about my problems and pet peeves because I am rather good at that. I am not so naive and self absorbed as to think that that is because nobody has problems with me, so the real question is why don't they confront me? Am I scary? People have told me that it is scary to talk to me sometimes but nobody has really explained how. I just know that the person that I think I am, and the person that I am in reality, are not the same. I wish that I could see myself from a different set of shoes…and eyes. Maybe then I could see the scary, morally superior person that has been compared to a dragon on more than one occasion. My mother always said that I could breath fire when I was angry and my words could bite in hard, but am I still that person?

People are changing constantly, minute by minute, and every experience molds a little part of who you are. I just wish that people's perceptions of you changed as frequently. But the expression that 'first impressions last' is true. For example my Mother still thinks of me as that argumentative teenager who could sting you with an accurate, below-the belt retort in a heartbeat and be on the next one before you could even catch your breath. But I know that I am not that person anymore. I have learned at least some self-control and tact, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Personal change came with time and age, but I have found that that is the hardest change.

I know that this rant is all over the place and not at all organized (much like my thoughts) but I think that the underlying thread might be simply the struggle of self change. I know from experience that it is hard, I just wish that others peoples self-change didn't have to affect me so much. It's someone else's struggle but it feels like my own, yet I have no control over it. I feel stuck and powerless…

Sorry for the rant…said rant now over…

BTW- for anyone who didn't put two and two together...This was because of a fight I had with my lovely husband, and had nothing to do what-so-ever with people I barley speak to, let alone think about. If anyone felt like it applied to them, I guess that's just an ironic coincidence. Maybe they should take heart....

Double doctor duty

Meadow and Emerson had Doctors apt. this week and had shots.
At the same time.
Not fun.
Meadow was upset from the very beginning. She did not want anyone taking her temperature or measuring her or weighing her. As soon as we got into the exam room she started screaming bloody murder because I guess she didn't like being in the little room. She quieted down a little when the Doctor came in but started screaming again when she was getting examined. This was all BEFORE the shots. The only one who was unaffected by the screaming toddler was the Doctor.lol
Emerson on the other hand laughed when the doctor examined him and only cried after the actual shots, which he got four of. Meadow was so upset after her one shot I had to sit with her in the car. Needless to say we had a very enlightening experience.

On the brighter side the doctor was impressed with Meadows vocabulary and the use of four to five word sentences, and her recognition of colors and numbers. We also found out that Emerson's weight is in the 75th-90th percentile! He weighed in at 18lbs 3.5oz and Meadow at 28lbs. Emerson is huge! BTW he was only 50th percentile for height which is right on the money for average, so think thick long torso and stubby little legs. We also got the okay to start on rice cereal and baby food for Emerson.
So that is just an update on the kiddos!